Help needed

pain is relative. people talk about pain sometimes like we all feel it with the same intensity. or course, everyone knows about "pain thresholds" but to really feel pain the same way someone else does would be a curious predicament. useful perhaps. say you are a doctor with a patient complaining of pain. you could use this "curious predicament" to get a clearer assessment of the patient's complaint.
physical pain or mental pain. people try to be empathetic, but they really do not know. so they really cannot help.
compounded pain. how can you really give an accurate description?
compounded with loss.

feeling useless. what can anyone do?

none of my doctors seem to want to tell me what's wrong with me. perhaps they do not know. if that is so, why won't they just say that.
i just want treatment. i guess i'm being naive. when i ask my pcp for a referral outside of the cabal known as UPMC, he takes the position that it's a 98% percent chance that the surgeon did not do anything wrong. i wanted to see another Dr for treatment, not to point fingers. none of my current docs seem interested in treating me. could it be that they are all UPMC including my pcp. why would he mention the surgeon not doing anything wrong? especially when we know the surgeon initially removed the wrong disc. i guess that's the 2%. it's only human nature to close ranks. that's what is going on here.

so, here i am 10 months after surgery. physically feeling worse than at any time before surgery. actually worse off than before. unable to be productive. useless. good for nothing. with nothing to look forward to except taking pills. between the pain and the medication, i cannot do the one thing i've always wanted to do.

one thing i've learned is that there are times in one's life when you need someone to lean on. i mean someone to really lean on. not just in the spiritual sense like one leans on Jesus.